Chapter II – God goes A.W.O.L.

          Having the life and feeling of a life without purpose and reason is what is making me ill all day at my work. “Why am I here? This is like the last place I should be.”      Doing something which makes one feel sick all the time and lose weight with the constant stressful thought of wanting to get out of there at that second.

            God speaks to us in many different ways, one of the most common ways I feel is knowing a sense of imminent frustration, stress, anxiety, and constant sadness, which would be a good sure sign its time to get out of Dodge.

            So then one day you decide to leave your job, feeling that God is telling you to move on that He has something better or different for you to do more tailor made to how He made you.

So you leave and then...

            Nothing happens, so now what, and what was do you think God trying to tell you, why would you have on your Heart that God was leading you to move on to something else?! Now your in a fix, no money, Bills mounting up, you felt with all your Heart trusting in God and now your in the worst situation of your life ever!

Why am I in this Situation?!

            You’re here because you made a choice to listen to that inner voice that was telling you to move on from this place. It might have been your Job Career choice, the College University you choose to attend, the Community you chose to live in or the group of Friends you have.

            It doesn’t work out as you had hoped, the Faith you have is faltering and you are starting to wonder different possibilities, “Was it God I was listening to, not myself and my own dissatisfaction, or satan?”

            Now you really begin to panic and have doubt and regret about your choice, perhaps there was good reason to move on, the Job required you to be dishonest and you felt you weren’t honoring God in it. Your Co-workers were abusive, the Job was dangerous and you had enough. You were inclined towards the Mathematical Analytical side and you took Social Studies but this didn’t dawn on you until half way through your first or second Semester.

So the days, weeks then eventually months go my and still you have no idea of what happens next. God seems distant and silent to you, Prayer doesn’t seem to help, its like praying to air and God isn’t listening any more.

So this is basically where I am, I don’t know what is happening, I thought I was doing what |God wanted me to do, to leave my place of Employment. Although truthfully, I didn’t leave in the best of ways, words were exchanged, my former Boss is a bit crazy and I should have taken that into account.

“Perhaps I Cursed myself by the way I left,” is what I told myself since then on several occasions since then. “Perhaps it was satan telling me to leave, pretending to be God.” Now this really disturbs me as it would mean that I cannot discern the difference between God and satan. But then I ask myself, would God want me to continue in a place were I was being dishonest with the people they did work for, activities which would amount to fraud or possibly Jail time if caught.

Well here I am, in a real fix, no money because I have no Job and from my perspective I don’t see how I would be able to fix this.

I did take a Temp Job through an Employment agency, which paid half of what I was making before, less hours and the sift was late evenings and ended at 1:45 AM. It was heart breaking, honest honorable work, but heartbreaking as it kept me from regularly attending a Church group I was a part of as well a few other Church related activities.

It ended as there was a start time conflict with Work, and Family. My wife and I had arranged with a neighbor who was nice enough to be able to pick-up my Daughter at the Bus stop so I wouldn’t be late for work, but they had their own schedule and were not reliable. There was no one else to fill this role so I was back to unemployment.

Applied for Employment Insurance and six weeks in, still nothing, Government cutbacks at the Service Canada. Less Staff workers to process EI applications to there is a major backlog of delays. It should only take a maximum of 28 days, so they say, even told me someone would contact me before Christmas Eve.

Christmas rolled around and I wasn’t even able to afford a Gift for my Daughter. I was furious, I was so mad at God for not answering my Prayers, giving me a little Grace here.

“How could you allow this God, I know I screwed up, perhaps I shouldn’t have left that Job or perhaps I should have figured out another alternative for my Daughter. Lord Jesus please Father God Forgive me for  messing up again and again and again, please God give me another chance! Give me Grace so that I can support my Family and at least give my Daughter a Christmas!”

So I have it all to God, felt good, assured, had peace of mind on this issue. “yea, God is testing me, He will come through at the Eleventh Hour like He has before, it’s a Faith test, Praise God!”

I re-affirmed my Heart with my Church, reacquainted myself with the area of Tithing, two areas, my Church and Tithing have been struggles for me in the past. Told myself, ”Yea, God is about to do something incredible soon!” So I gave my last bit on money I had, all of it, feeling in my Heart that God will honor my Tithe and how He is about to break down this Financial stronghold issue in my life, so I might as well give what I had left to God.

11:59 PM, December 24^th

            Broke, no Christmas Gift for my Seven Year old Daughter, what the heck!

            I trusted in you God, even gave the money I had left to my Church, “I could have used that to at least get a Gift for my Daughter.” Now I am beyond furious, I am totally Heartbroken, now my Faith is wavering like never before, so much so I am even contemplating Suicide.

            I feel Suicide is a very selfish act, why do that to others, they would have to still go on spending the rest of their lives in regret, not being there or doing enough or listening or whatever. My Daughter and how she would grow up with this stigma on her, what it would take away from her and how it would negatively effect her character and future. And the big reason, “would I go to Hell?” Or at least, loose some eternal Blessings in Heaven that come from enduring to the Final End Conclusion.

            So having now a wavering Faith, not knowing what to do or how to Pray anymore, regretting the choice that brought all this about. If I had of just told myself, “Hey, who cares, it’s a Job that pays well, so.” I’d not be in this Financial situation, I’d feel like crap, saddened, feel sick and depressed all the time, but I feel this way now. Only difference is that I don’t feel guilty or knowing I was committing fraud towards others right in front if God’s own eyes.

            So I’m still waiting on God, writing this Book as I don’tknow what else to do besides giving it all to Him. I want to at least do somethingproductive. I am more inclined towards the Artistic side of things, see here www.jbjon.comhttp://jbjon.com. But my Wife sees Art as only a Hobby and not a real possible Career choice, just something I do to escape my responsibilities and not something that will help the Family as a hole.

There is some truth to that, it is an escape, its right now the only, in my mind, productive activity were I complete all I start. But I’ll go back to this later in the Book.

“God won’t put more on you than you can bear.” I believe this, or I think I do. But how much can I bear, that is what concerns me.

1 Peter 5:7 “cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you”

Ordoes no put more on us then we can bear so that we might being our problems toHim and have more reliance on Him who Loves us all, as Paul writes in a letterof his own experiences with the Corinthians.